The Emotional Toll of Caregiving with Brad Roland of CarePatrol — Full Episode Transcript

At some point in your life, there's other things that are more important. And it has definitely been a life-changing decision for me. I've not regretted one day of it.

When caregiving feels overwhelming and the system feels impossible to navigate, this is your guide. Here, you'll learn ways to navigate long-term care planning, find real support for caregiving, and prepare you for the road ahead. I'm your host, Lindsay Friedman, and now you're not in this alone. Let's get started.

Hello, and welcome back to LTCareNav's Care Compass. I'm Lindsay Friedman, your host, and we are here with Brad Roland from CarePatrol of Wake County, who I'm really excited to talk to because I've gotten to know him very well and he's just a gem of a human. I'm really excited to have this conversation with you, Brad.

Well, thank you, Lindsay. It's a pleasure to be here.

Well, you know, we're all serving this community of senior care, and it's hard and it's challenging. So what brought you to it? What part of the community are you serving?

Yeah. So CarePatrol is a national organization of over 250 senior care advisors, and we each have an area in which we are very familiar with all the different senior living options. Our main goal is just to provide families and individuals with as much information as we can about what those options might look like based on their own individual situation here in Raleigh, North Carolina.

We help folks who want to maintain their independence and stay at home for as long as possible, which I'm sure a lot of us would want to do. But then when that becomes not necessarily realistic — whether it's because of isolation or physical or cognitive decline — we help families identify what those next stops might be. So it's a very rewarding, feel-good business.

I had spent most of my career in corporate space and, like others, had tried to climb the ladder as far as I could. And then at some point in your life, there's other things that are more important. For me, it was really this feeling of I wanted to try to make a difference and really just try to help people. So I was researching opportunities, and my mother was going through this with my grandmother and she had mentioned that she had used a service similar to CarePatrol and that was very helpful. So that's really what led me to CarePatrol.

It has definitely been a life-changing decision for me. I've not regretted one day of it. It is such a feel-good business to help people who really are in need, are very confused, very overwhelmed. And as fate would have it, my mother was diagnosed herself last year at age 77 with Alzheimer's. So not only am I talking the talk, but I'm walking the walk as well with so many other families.

There's so much information out there and so much terminology. In a lot of ways, I feel that we're interpreters — we're interpreting that data and helping families understand what it really means to them and how it really impacts them. Since 2017 here in Raleigh, North Carolina, we've helped over 800 people find a place to live, which then means we certainly probably talk to double or triple that. For a lot of folks, it's also just the information part, just trying to provide them with information and get them in contact with other resources that might be able to help them in their particular situation.

Yeah, I think that you guys are kind of like the concierge of senior care, and you've seen so many families and you've been able to help them in so many different ways. And now you're one of those families. Do you see something that's kind of an overlying thing that is happening with families, or a typical client?

Yeah, I'd probably put our clients into two different categories. We have the senior adults themselves who are looking for a change. Maybe they've reached a point where the house is just getting a little too much to manage. Maybe it's a situation where someone just lost their spouse and now they're living alone. And for those folks, it's about a lifestyle choice a lot of times — more trying to find maintenance-free living. I'm tired of cutting the grass. I'm tired of doing the laundry and cooking meals. I want to be in a communal setting with people my own age.

We also help those who might have lost a spouse, or are dealing with a situation where a spouse has dementia and they're the primary caregiver and they are getting to the point where it's just really taking a toll on their mental and physical well-being. That's probably one category.

And then I'd say the other category, and probably the majority of our clients here, are with the adult children — kind of that sandwich-generation folks who might be my age, right? Who are raising their own children and families and have that responsibility, and then have a parent who is also needing some assistance. In those situations, we will get a call, and that's where the adult child is typically very overwhelmed. They might have told mom or dad a long time ago, hey, you might want to consider doing something, but they've never really gotten too involved with it. But now maybe something has changed, and so now it's fallen in their lap and they have to be the one who has to decide.

Something interesting when you were talking about the seniors who came to you about a lifestyle. I think that's a really good way to frame assisted living and independent living, is that it's not, 'hey, mom, I'm throwing you in a facility and locking the keys.' I'm giving the opportunity to have a lifestyle and be social. And how do you explain that to them and talk to families about really, this isn't just about the care? Sometimes it's about an overall experience.

It's a great point. One of the reasons why people don't make that decision sooner is because of fear. Most people have heard of the nursing home; they might have had a loved one who was in the 'nursing home,' and it was not necessarily a pleasant experience. And when people have this idea of potentially moving out of their home, there's this feeling of, I'm losing independence, and so they really are resistant to that.

So as part of our process, we actually go with families and we schedule appointments. I think that's a big game-changer when you can go with somebody and literally take them by the hand and show them what these options are and say, hey, this might not necessarily be what you thought it was going to be. A lot of times that really does the trick, because there are so many different places now and so many different options. It's not that you're necessarily putting someone out to pasture — it's almost like a new lease on life, the next chapter in that journey. And maybe that journey involves being around people their own age.

We saw so many people after COVID who had just become so isolated, and it really played a negative impact on both their mental and physical well-being. So much of that was just because of that isolation. And that's actually what we found with my mother. She was living alone, and like so many family dynamics, my sister was the one who was more in touch and in tune with things and said, well, something's not right with mom. My brother and I were more about, she's fine, she's getting older, no big deal. But she was like, no, something's not right.

So that led us down this road of scheduling appointments with the doctor and ultimately with a neurologist, and they made that diagnosis. One of the decisions that we made collectively was to get her out of her home and move her into an independent living community, and we did that last year. One of the reasons was we just wanted her to be around other people her own age, and it's made a world of difference. I can honestly see a difference. Maybe there might have been some depression that started to creep in, and seeing that improve a little bit — of course, there's no, at least right now, no cure for the Alzheimer's itself, but just her being around other people has really made a positive impact.

Being the son, maybe we are not as involved as the daughters and daughters-in-law. So my brother and I, even though we're not as involved on a day-to-day basis, we certainly appreciate everything that our sister is doing, and we are there more to support her — going to doctor's visits with her and my mom and just generally being there for her. If there's one word of advice I could give to my fellow sons, it would just be to be there in any supportive way that you can. You don't necessarily have to be there on a day-to-day basis, but be there to support the rest of the family, especially.

It's such great advice because I do see, and I'm sure you see this too, that as soon as a parent needs care, different sibling dynamics come into play. There's a lot of resentment, hurt feelings, people aren't stepping up. And what you just said and what you're doing for your sister — saying like, hey, this isn't what I'm going to be doing, I'm not going to be doing the hands-on care, what can I do to support you — is gonna preserve those sibling relationships as well and help make the transition a lot smoother. You seem to be taking such a great approach with your sister, and I'm sure she appreciates it.

Well, let me just say it's tough, and it definitely has given me a different perspective. I mean, I was trained in a lot of ways how to coach families and offer advice and suggestions, but until you're actually living it, it really doesn't mean as much. Now I'm seeing it, and it's a little bit of a blessing and a curse with what I do. I'm blessed that I'm way more knowledgeable now about dementia and the types of dementia and what the process might look like than I was before, and I'm hoping that'll prepare us a little bit more. It's also a curse because I also know what's coming, right? So you just have to take it one day at a time.

It really takes a village. I'm very blessed and very fortunate that I do have a great brother and a great sister, and we are all on the same page. Unfortunately, I don't see that all the time, and that can really take a stressful situation and make it a lot worse. Anytime you can get a support group together — whether that is family, or neighbors, or friends, or church, or whatever that might look like — having the support is important. We certainly believe very strongly in some of the associations, whether it's Alzheimer's Association or here in North Carolina we have Dementia Alliance that also provides support and resources to families.

I was recently a sponsor at a Dementia Alliance walk and I was given a pamphlet, and I'm just going to read a couple of things — the 10 absolutes of caregiving. It's reminding us when you have someone in your life that is on this journey, it's about never arguing — instead, agree and meet them where they are. Don't reason — instead, divert. Never shame — instead, distract. Never lecture — instead, reassure. Never say 'remember' — instead, reminisce. Never say 'I told you' — instead, repeat and regroup. And that's hard. It's hard to do that in real life.

So I personally am more empathetic with our clients and the other families that are going through this journey. When someone comes to us, we are able to look at it through a different lens. And I'm actually now asking my clients questions like, did you ever experience this during this part of the process, and what would you recommend? It takes a village, that's for sure.

It does. And you just made it so human. This is a human experience. I worked in the field of memory care at 18 as a professional, and I spent a good chunk of time there. It is completely different when it becomes your person and you have this relationship that was different and primary — especially when it is the parent or the grandparent and they were the ones who were the role model in charge. The dynamic changes and you become frustrated and these emotions come up. I was able to watch families go through that, and until I was there, it changes. And I think what you just did was — not that I want you to have the experience — but really you can truly see it from a new lens.

It is a very personal thing. I've heard it said many times: you meet one person with dementia, you've met one person with dementia. So one size doesn't fit all. It goes back to educating yourself and familiarizing yourself on the disease and reminding yourself that it is a disease. It's not that your mom or dad or your spouse has just decided to act this way, and it's more than just old age and forgetfulness. When you start thinking about it that way, it does help.

We have clients who are the primary caregiver for a loved one, and it's so hard, especially the folks who have been married for a long time — now 60 years of marriage — and it's so hard for them to make that decision, even though it is clearly impacting their mental and physical health. You do the best you can to try to say, you can still fulfill that vow by getting assistance, right? By potentially looking into whether it's memory care or a family care home or some other type of arrangement where trained professionals are there to provide some of those activities of daily living, which then allows you to continue to be the husband or the wife or the son or the daughter. And it's a big difference; it's a different relationship. People have to feel okay with that, and they have to have that support.

You know what I love about this conversation is that you made this decision for your mom, and when you framed it, it was very much about this is the best thing for her because it's social, because it gives her the opportunity to be around people and have as much independence as possible and keep your primary relationships intact. So when you talk to families about your experience, how did you pick the place for your mom? How did you have that conversation with your mom?

Great question. Every situation is a little bit different. In this particular situation, my mother knew that she was isolated and that things were not necessarily right. When we brought it up, I kind of went, how is she going to take this? But fortunately, she was on board with it, and that took a lot of stress and pressure off of me.

What I could do for her is explain what this might look like — the advantages of potentially moving into independent living. But ultimately, it was her decision, and we were fortunate that at this stage she's still able to make those types of decisions. So for her it was, Mom, let me explain what this is going to look like, what this would potentially cost, what a typical day would look like, and then let's go look at some of these options. We took her to see three or four different places that matched her location preferences, matched her budget, and were ones we had worked with and knew a lot about. We took her, and then we let her make that decision.

That's what we do at CarePatrol — we provide people with the information so they can make a well-formed decision. She picked it, which was great, so it wasn't my fault — I wasn't the bad guy, my sister wasn't the bad guy, my brother wasn't the bad guy. She did it, and that was huge for us.

Right now she's living independently. My sister, because she is in close proximity, visits her several times a week, and my brother and I get to see her whenever we can. One day that might change. It might be that her needs are such that she's going to need some folks to come into her apartment and maybe make sure she's awake and ready and dressed for the day, and we'll take that next step whenever we feel that will be necessary. And then it might be a time where she needs to be in an environment that is providing more 24/7 care, and that would be the next step into assisted living or to memory care.

There's no perfect place, there's no perfect solution. You have a checklist, you have your priorities, you're checking as many of the boxes as you can. We're here to hopefully help you identify what realistic choices might be for you, and we want you to make that decision, and we're here to support you in that decision.

Now when they make this decision today, most of us know that today does not mean tomorrow, right? Especially with dementia, there's going to be changes. So are you here to support families in that next step when something new changes? Can they come back to you and reevaluate?

Absolutely. We help folks sometimes on this journey more than one time, as you say. Just to give people a 30,000-foot view on what some of these options might look like — people might hear retirement living, long-term care, nursing home, assisted living, and it gets confusing.

Independent living is typically the first transition out of home. It would provide someone at a front desk 24/7, so if there are emergencies, there is that support. It would be apartment-style living; you choose how many bedrooms you want, and there's a monthly fee associated with that, which might include some meals, all your utilities, and definitely social activities with folks your own age.

In just about every independent living community, they will have a third-party in-home care company on site that you can hire a caregiver to come into your apartment and assist you with different tasks. The key to that is you would have to be able to schedule that care. If you can schedule someone to come in and say, I need someone in my apartment at this time to help me with this task, an independent living might be the only thing you ever need. When scheduling that is no longer possible — whether because of cognitive decline or physical decline, and you need someone available on demand — that is now what assisted living is. Assisted living provides round-the-clock care and supervision.

Within every assisted living, there's a place called memory care. Memory care is for those who have a diagnosis of some form of dementia, and it's a smaller environment. It is secure for their safety. There are more caregivers available, and caregivers are trained in how to be with people with dementia. There are different levels based on the situation.

We might have someone who comes to us in my mom's situation and independent living is perfectly fine and suitable for her at this time in her life, but there might be a time in the future when she's going to need more of that round-the-clock care and supervision. We'll be looking at that, and we do have families who come back and ask for our assistance in that next step.

One of the nice benefits with CarePatrol is that we are compensated by the place that the family chooses. So it is something we're able to provide at no cost to the families, which is great. It's great for the families knowing they don't have to necessarily pay us something, and it's also great for us — peace of mind knowing that you can truly help someone, especially those who are very overwhelmed, and give them that peace of mind without having to send them an invoice for your time.

That's fantastic because I know if somebody needs to reach out to you and just have a conversation, even if it's early, you're open to doing that. And that's what I tell families — start to have a conversation. So anyone who's confused and not sure what they want it to look like, reach out to Brad. We'll put his contact information below. Do you want to tell everyone where to reach you, or any final words?

I would say, with anyone, carepatrol.com, and people can search for their local advisor in their area. Technology is rapidly changing the way we live our lives, and people are able to do a lot of research on their own, which is great. For those folks getting into this, one of the first things we do is we Google something, and that is perfectly fine. But then when you get a list of places, what do you do then? I think it's great to have a local advisor, a boots-on-the-ground person who has been in and out of these places numerous times and who can recommend the appropriate place based on your personal situation.

So I highly recommend that folks just go to carepatrol.com and find the advisor near you. Don't just Google and then get stuck in a trap. Find your local advisor — find someone who you can have a conversation with, who you can go to their office. Because remember, this is about the hardest experience you're going to go through in your life, and it's good to be able to sit across from someone and really noodle this out.

So reach out to CarePatrol, reach out to Brad, and we will see you next time on the Care Compass. Thanks for being here, Brad.

All right, that's a wrap for today. Until next time, remember, you're not alone. Take things one step at a time, stay centered, and trust your compass. See you next time on LTCareNav's Care Compass.